I am a bit at a loss for inspiration as to what to write today. I know I could think of things that get me riled up and just rant about them but I’m not in that sort of mood. I don’t want to go there.
From reading A Free Man’s and Arizaphale’s blogs this morning it has me thinking about growing up and ‘finding ourselves’.
I can relate to afreeman’s angst-ridden-whats-the-point-of-this-stupid-life type of posts. But I find I’ve moved into that more recently. As a proper teenager, before I hit 20, I was very insecure I think, but I had a pretty secure life. I didn’t need to worry about too much, although I did worry, a lot, and I had a family around me that were solid. I had a few friends, had a good routine, was good in school. I was doing pretty well. But at some point in my early twenties I felt I must be missing out on something. Getting up, going for a run, going to school/ uni, doing my homework, having dinner, doing more homework and going to bed early. Surely other people were having a great time.
I went to an intellectual university but I felt the least intellectual there. I, who once put up posters in a hotel I worked in highlighting the futility of smoking wanted to chain smoked. I, who at home never drank and despised a lot of people when drunk wanted to drink myself into someone else a lot of the time. I, who didn’t have time for a real boyfriend wanted to fall in love. I wanted to be the stereotyped intellectual that afreeman writes about, drink, drugs, poetry, Plato and Proust.
I felt pulled in both directions a lot of the time. I felt lots of people saw me as a model student, a model daughter, never getting into trouble, always getting As. I found it hard, trying to maintain that opinion of me in others, yet myself wanting to do all these other things. In my first year at university I was all about the studying. I felt I was absolutely stupid, and that I didn’t fit in, and I worked so hard just to prove I was worthy I think. But by third year I just wanted to get drunk, smoke, chat with others about the meaning of life. It’s a good thing i put the work in early- if I had been my third year self from the outset I may never have come out with a good degree.
When I talk with Mr C he has done a lot more things that I have, I feel. I think I compare myself to others a lot, and always think I missed something, though I’m sure some people maybe wish they had lived their life like I did. Or maybe they didnt. Do people wish they studied more at university? Sometimes I wish I had studied less and lived more, but then i wouldn’t have had some of the opportunities I have today. When I’m with Mr C I realise I know nothing about music or films or literature. I literally studied and read and ran for many years. And wrote diaries bemoaning my life.
Did I miss out a lot? Should I have gone to raves and gigs and parties? Should I have laid on my bed listening to music, fallen in and out of love more easily? Trusted more people? Stepped outside that box? Learnt some lessons earlier in life? tried out more things?
I am trying to have more expereinces of different things now. Life is for living, and when now, if you’ve been reading my blog, I don’t even know what I want to do in life, was all the hard work worth it? I also feel a bit of a sham- people reading my CV would think I am a hard working, clean living type of person. And I feel that was me, but now I want to be lazy, I want to do what I like, I want to have fun and try different things, see the world. Other people my age went through that at a much younger age and are now coming out the other side, settling down, already done a lot of things and figured out what they want. I think I’m just starting these things, yet sometimes I miss the routine and easiness of just studying and not worrying about what to do later in life.
Man, I don’t half drone on don’t I? I guess sometimes I feel jealous of those that did do all those things, and angry with myself for wanting to please my mum, my teachers, all those sorts of people too much. Do you have to either be successful or a bum? Can you not have it both? I’m not sure what I want, that’s my problem, torn between two different sides of the same coin. Now who sounds like an “unstable, self-important yet self-loathing, misanthropic dickhead”?
This is exactly the sort of post I tell myself not to publish cos I sound like a twat. Oh well. Gotta get over myself one way or another.
7 Comments
What’s the meaning of life? Buggered if I know.
Wait! That’s it! Buggery!
I discovered buggery, and never looked back.
Do I regret all the years I wasted in…what’s the opposite of buggery? Frontery? Let’s just say, in the closet.
Maybe. Maybe not. But I took it upon myself to make up for lost time.
Sounds like you are doing the same with Mr. C, SSG. It’s much more fun cruising with a soul-mate in tow, rather than cruising along trying to find one.
“We cannot redeem the past; we can only redeem ourselves”–Traudl Junge.
First, thanks for your comments on my blog. Hope you are feeling better… when I am ill or recovering from being sick my brain tends to get a bit negative so you are allowed to post like this and of course, you can post anything you wish, it’s your blog
The wonderful thing about having a blog is the fact that it’s yours…your feelings..your opinions…your thoughts…and it’s your given right to write what comes out of you…and you don’t sound like a twat. You sound like someone that is trying to figure things out for yourself.
I think we all live with regrets of things we did or did not do from the past. Now me, I live with many regrets of things I did and although I am thankful for what I learned in the experience of it, I wish to this day, that I could undo some of the choices I made. To be perfectly honest, I am jealous of people like you…people that did it “right”, that made good choices whether it was to please parents or because it’s just the way they were. I didn’t go to college. I did things very backwards in my life. There are years of my life that I was so messed up with having a good time that I hurt many people around me. I was extremely selfish. I can never take this back.
Now I am a continual work in progress…learning how to live by doing things the right way this time. Thankfully it wasn’t too late for me. Thankfully I lived through the hell hole I created to get to this side of life…many in my life were not so fortunate.
I think it’s okay that you don’t know what you want to do with your life. You are still young. It’s okay to take this time to search out your truth,your happiness and purpose for this life. It’s okay to have a lot of fun while your on this search. There is always a lesson in even this, the waiting, or the searching. All I can say is be true to yourself. Be authentic. Give yourself permission to live for you and not others. Give yourself permission to try things and fail…make mistakes and learn. You can’t change the past but you can change what you do today and tomorrow. The beauty in all of this is, it’s your choice and there are no right or wrongs in that…just lessons and growing pains and finding yourself….and if you haven’t done so already, fall in love with yourself!
ahh … I do this sometimes too. Why didn’t I…? Shouldn’t I have ….? I do feel more secure with myself now than I used to. I realize my faults and flaws and I’ve also realized most of them aren’t going away. I still make goals for myself, I still try to improve as a person …. but I think I’m not as hard on myself as I used to be either.
Headbang is a riot.
The thing is, SSG, that you’re what, like 19? You’ve got so much time to sort all this stuff out. You’ve got a first class education under your belt and totally have the leeway to fuck around a bit and figure it all out. Try and enjoy it rather than spending your days trying to figure out the meaning of life. Just go and live it and chances are that life is going to dictate the terms anyway. Just ride along.
@ headbang. You rock. Buggered if I know.
@ Nora, I know, I get into a self pitying hole of dispair sometimes. By sometimes I mean a lot.
@ Lori, thanks, your post is really positive and doesn’t make me feel so guilty about a lot of things. There are no right and wrongs in trying, really, are there.
@ 24atHeart, I think i gotta stop judging myself so much too. And be more secure, but I don’t really know how to do that. I hope it will come.
@ A freeman. I’m like 25 bozo, WAY old. but not as old as you. I guess I feel I should be doing more, what with the government paying for my education and then me saying “wait, I wanna be a bum!”. Yeah, getting on and living it. I don’t know why I have a problem with that. Maybe I’m too much of a control freak. I hope things are changing at the moment, that I’m growing up a bit and things are good.
How did I miss this post?
I’m with the free Man. You are still waaaaaaay young. you’ve got your education (ahead of many) and now you can decide at your leisure what to do with your life. Happiness is a journey not a destination. Enjoy the ride. it is not over…you are IN IT!!!!!
You lucky dog. For me it is over hahahaha