Last Tuesday at work. And yesterday, as a colleague pointed out, was my last Monday. My last Monday in this job! I felt quite happy about that, and also because she bought me a pack of mini eggs, which I love. Mmmmmmmm sugar rush. That is probably one thing I struggle with ever giving up or resisting- chocolate. In any form- muffins, cake, sweets, bars. Pretty much anything else I find quite easy to not have, or to ignore temptation (except cigarettes when I’m plastered, but that’s another story).

I do love chocolate cake. One of my favourite chocolate cakes is made by a friend of mine, or my friends mum. A sort of whole wheat chocolate cake with lemon icing, and it is so delicious I could eat a whole cake in one sitting. I don’t get sick of chocolate, especially when I have a glass of milk to wash it down with, and I am probably the only person I know who has had a chocolate hangover. I ate so much chocolate one night that the next morning I felt dehydrated and dizzy and not so very well.

I will probably get diabetes from the peaks of sugar I release into my blood stream. I did give up chocolate for a few weeks in lent, but I found it very hard for the first few days, headaches and the like. However, it is easier for me to not eat it than to only have a square or two. I just don’t understand the people who can do one biscuit, or a square of chocolate. I guess they have something that I don’t- restraint.

I tell myself things to make myself go off chocolate- that it’s made with the horrid milk at the end of a milking session, it’s just brown lard, it will give me diabetes and make my skin and body age, it’ll make me fat, it’s bad for me…. and so on. But truth is I love it. And none of that “Just have some dark chocolate and you’ll be fine”. I LIKE the cheap milk chocolate stuff. I don’t like expensive champagne truffles, I like mini eggs. I like fudge bars. I like twirls. I like the chocolate yoghurts and trifles. I like 4 muffins for 99p put in the microwave for 30s. I like Ben’s cookies with the melted chips. I like chocolate raisins. I really like McVities dark chocolate digestives. So in order to not be 30 stone, I kinda go in cycles- eat a whole 3000 calories of chocolate raisins, and a packet of chocolate digestives and a chunky kitkat. And then nothing for a few days. Actually, who am I kidding, I don’t have nothing for a few days.

it looks like I might have to give chocolate up again for a few weeks, just to give my body a break from all this sugar. Which means I keep telling myself this is the last day of sugar eating, so I eat a LOT of chocolate, only to find that to be my mantra for a few weeks, where every day is the day before I give up chocolate. Nice.

Can you belive this post wasnt intended to rant about my chocolate addiction, but instead to talk about my last week at work, the lack of actual work I have to do, my fear of having no money in a few weeks and the fact I am making sausages and mash for dinner tonight? Also that I have started a book called “The Other Hand” by Chris Cleave and so far it is pretty good. Really it was.

I think I use chocolate goods to make me feel happy quite a lot, or as a well done to myself. I should find other ways.

Have you got that Friday feeling?

It was grey and cold this morning but now the sun has come out and less than an hour til I leave work… one of the senior staff gave me a cornetto ‘cos I carried a box of mugs upstairs. I had a nice curry for lunch and I’ve been looking at ipods on-line because the refurbished one I bought off AFM about 2 years ago has given up the ghost and my computer is not recognizing it and the screen is blank. It did me well.

Tomorrow MrC is playing cricket, I hope it’s sunny. I might do some shopping, maybe round some charity shops, and maybe some sewing or cutting things out magazines, which I like.

Tonight TopBoffin and an old housemate are coming round to watch some murdermysteries (Rebus) and probably eat something cheesy and then chocolatey, and enjoy the suspense on the sofa! MrC and the Brewer are at a whisky tasting tonight, run by the brewer, so I’m sure they’ll be very sober when we see them later

It’s also a bank holiday weekend here, at a wedding reception tomorrow night, working at the cricket club on Sunday, and on Monday if it’s still good weather MrC and I can go for a bike ride. Mmm and maybe eat some nice food at a pub on the way back, because that would also be very nice.

I hope you all have a great weekend, enjoy yourselves and remember to walk like you mean it!

Anyone know how to have two blogs each on a different page within a website? I just wrote a long post, I’d like to have a journal on this website for me, a private one too. Is this possible?

Oh, and if you want to laugh, please, please read this:
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/celebrity/the-patronising-of-susan-boyle-goes-global-200904171707/

So how you all doing? Good weekend?

On Saturday night I had organised a surprise birthday party for MrC for his 30th. It had been killing me not being able to say anything to him or write anything on my blog, especially since I had been planning it since January and was getting a bit stressed by Friday. But it all went well and I think everyone had a good time. Food and drink and dancing, and lots of MrC’s friends, as many as I could get hold of, turned up to celebrate with him. Happy birthday my love!

Anyways, we ended up back at our flat with others and in bed by about 3am. I got up at 7.30 or so and went to clean the cricket club where the party had been, probably still drunk. Sometime between these hours MrCs brother climbed into our bed with us, was sick, and then left. Very nice. Especially since he didn’t act like he’d really done anything wrong and his main comment was “everyone loves a rascal”. Yep, I love a rascal too, especially when he results in me having to sleep on a sofa bed and throw out good pillows and sheets, and also a rascal who when cleaning the wall scrubs all the paint off. Yeah, everyone loves a rascal. But apart from that it all went smoothly, and we had roast dinner the next day at the local pub. I had the boozey blues though.

I hate that, when I drink a lot, I am happy and talking to everyone, and then the next day I feel like a twat, I feel like an idiot, I feel ugly and insecure and worthless and it’s really shit, and can last for more than a day or two. It’s not really worth getting that drunk when I spend the next few days not talking and hating myself and having vicious daydreams and nightmares about MrC running off with other people and myself crying. It hurts me and I don’t like it.

I finish work on the 15th, then working in a newspaper for a week, then hopefully going to see my best mate in the US for a week or two, then organise going back to finish my masters. I’ll have to maybe temp for a week or two, but that should be OK. That’s my plan so far.

Last night I went round to a friend of ours and his mum showed me a lot of quilts she’s made. I really want to do more quilting now, and realise I’ve been using wadding that is too thick. Yep, I love me some sewing, being creative, even if I’m pretty bad at it and don’t have as much patience as I really need.

Tonight and tomorrow and the next 3 weeks I’m working at the hospital at night. I really need the money as will not be getting a good pay packet next month cos leaving and taking holidays, and also have spent a lot this month that I need to recover, though it was worth it. I’m happy his friends and family got involved with the party and helped- Pickles made some delicious hedgehog cheese and pickled onion sticks, his brothers blew up some photos of him to put around the hall, top boffin helped blow up balloons and hang decorations, others let me use their kitchen to bake a pirate cake. Yes, I made a cake in the shape of a pirate ship. Will have to upload photos to show you, since I am proud, even if the icing didn’t stick very well as I should have used jam… His nanna and grampa came down from up North too, and had a bit of a jive on the dance floor.

On Sunday I was down but also very, very tired, and still need to catch up on some sleep. I can get very excited and live off nervous energy for a bit, but i get myself too worked up and am a bit drained afterwards. I do like getting excited though.

Right, going to get a cup of tea and chocolate, which I need to wean myself off again after not eating it for a few weeks and then back on to it after a mega Easter egg fest.

My legs are a bit tired today, after a week off from running and stuffing myself with Easter eggs, I’ve gotten back into it this week and today taking someone else out running with me, though I’ve warned him my legs feel a bit like jelly…

Riding the waves of indecision again. I’m just stagnating in the job I’m in; it’s easy and I’m lazy but my heart’s not in it and I’m afraid I’ll just stay here and not think about it and wake up when I’m 40. I don’t really want to be an IT project manager…

So thinking I might jack in my job, you know, give me an incentive to do something else. I got a weeks work experience at a local paper, and then might go and see my best mate in the states for a couple of weeks, go on a road trip, have a laugh. Come back, temp, get a different job…

The trouble with me is i just don’t know what I want to do. I have too many options and not enough decisions. I know some of the things I do and don’t want, but not the job. And I’m too lazy, and I there are too many pros and cons for the ideas I think of that it puts me right back at the beginning again.

Might go back and finish my masters, only a few months to get a degree… but the same old cons of going back to something I may not even like, may not be useful and may be upsetting.

Then staying in the job I have is safe, easy, gives me time to go running at lunch and evenings and weekends off… but it’s not very exciting or driven, and feel like my brain is dying.

Tell me, why do you do the jobs you’re in? Are you interested? Only in it for the money and holidays? Wish you were doing something else? See it as a means to an end? Am I just being too idealistic and gotta knuckle down and get on with it as no job is perfect?

I just think, for 38 hrs of my life, every week, I gotta be doing something better!